Apologize I Will Not

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The only way I can really describe it, is that it feels like the oxygen is being let back into my lungs. My skin is now getting its color back and the curves of my lips are once more in a comfort being turned up.
The deep gray clouds that took home over me are now dissipating and the aftermath is another octave of elevation in my centerness within myself.
A spiritual growth. An emotion rebuilding.
I’ve gone through this once before but it was influenced heavily by others and how I was left feeling after being let down..
This time around it was all internal.
I kept ignoring the feelings telling myself, “this isn’t the right time. You don’t have the time to break down now.”
And the more I ignored it and didn’t take ME seriously and figured I’s just await whatever this was to pass….
It didn’t. It only got worse until it grew to the point I couldn’t breathe.
The simplest things upset me.
I could no longer control my emotional breakdowns.
I could sleep 12 hours and still feel like I only laid down for 5 minutes.

This darkness crept in without my permission and some of it I could place and some of it I cannot… and a portion of it I’m starting to unpack with reluctance.
I isolated myself. I withdrew into me.
The best way for me to repair myself was to attend to myself properly and I couldn’t do that with constant questions of concern, worry and their emotions being latched to mine. I needed that space so I took that space…
And as I am blooming back to fullness, I make no apologies for my ‘MEcation’.
I for once made myself a priority.
And to keep the growth going I have been research therapy options because I want my mind and heart to be as sound as it can possibly be.

This world is harsh. Unforgiving. People are harsh. Unforgiving. Extreme in expectations and I just needed to mute that shit as much as I could.
The mind is a fragile place and I want to keep mine intact.
I don’t feel the same. Not really sure if I’m suppose to.
But I feel even stronger than my last bought of this.
And my picture is once again coming back into focus.

In the name of Self care and in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness month this is my current state of being as I am pulling myself back up.

Better Dead Than Ordinary…

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Up watching “States of Undress” a docu-series  on the VICELAND network as they explore the beauty culture of Venezuela.

A woman whose nose has collapsed as a result of injections of an illegal substance expressed,

“Better to be dead than ordinary..”

A proverb amongst the Venezuelan.

I’m thinking of this in other ways than just the beauty standard which is the focus of the documentary.

What is the fascination with being un-ordinary?

Who ever told you ordinary was a sin?

In my humblest opinion, everyone has ordinary characteristics about them the same way they have distinctive features which we often dub as a flaw.

No harm in aspiring to do more. Be more. Evolve.

Aspiring to be Distinctive is an ordinary act and 9 times out of 10 the distinction you are aiming for is based on a trend so by default you are ordinary.

There is no sin in being ordinary.

Now…

–In another context–

“Better dead than ordinary..”

Can also be read as Living versus surviving.

Are you getting the most potential out of your being during this time on earth?

Or are you simply accepting the mediocrity of life and settling in the fine lines of barely getting by and mundane routine?

Granted not everyone actually aspires to be  an entrepreneur or a creative force for that matter but ensure what ever path you choose its what you absolutely want out of this time on this earthly dwelling.

“We’re just ordinary people…”

And there is no sin in being ordinary.

Peace.

 

 

TABLE FOR 1

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The touch of his hands against my skin.

The feel of his lips against mine.

The look in his eyes that wraps me in love and safety.

The scent of him that ignites fires.

His wisdom that makes rivers flow….

Is all within my fantasies.

I do not know this man.

I wish to.

But…

My head and my heart are at a constant battle.

Ive grown to be so accustomed to my singular life that the desires of HIM are foreign to me.

I can literally only imagine how it feels to be desired by another beyond the lustful eye.

There is a part of me locked behind a barrier and I cant seem to break free.

I know my worth and i have taken such drastic steps to protect my spirit that i struggle with freeing myself enough to explore..

To Learn.

To Experience.

To Play.

To Grow.

To Bond.

To Touch.

To Be Touched.

This is my chronicle of transitioning into dating at the age of 31 as I have been single for most of my adult life. Learning to step outside of myself.

Mohna. Lyssaa

 

3 am: Organized Chaos

Late night/Early Morning, i lie here with something i read earlier in the day stuck heavy on my mind…

“How to Become a Morning Person”

This is significant to me as i know in order to live the life i desire  i must speak it into existence. I must reprogram to start my day when needed and not just when i want to. I am not a morning person by a long shot but i know in order to obtain my many fires and desires within i must change up my routine…or more so create one.

This new journey both excites and scares me because i know it its a fool proof pink print to my ultimate happiness.

Not understanding the big deal?..

I often tell myself “i don’t have time to do my makeup.” “I don’t have time to write.” “Im too tired to work out after working a long day.” “i don’t have the time/energy to do…etc.”

TIME.

TIME.

TIME.

I see the memes. I know the sayings…. “We all have the same 24 hours.” “Cant sleep your life away.” All very true.

I Believe in myself so much i am dedicating to a complete LIFE makeover.

Take the necessary steps to fix what you don’t like and watch ‘The Powers that BE’ meet you half way with blessings beyond what you imagined.

Join me in this Journey of Organized Chaos.

Love,

Mohna L.

Patron On Ice

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I hate this place.

I don’t know how i seem to find my way back here…..but i do.

“You are okay. You are an adult. And part of being an adult is sucking it up. Putting your big girl draws on and taking care of your responsibilities and putting everything else on ice. ”

“You are strong. You MUST remain strong. You cant let people see you cry. You cannot show your vulnerability.”

“Life will not always be this way. You must see the light at the end of the tunnel. All of your hard work will pay off.”

“Keep pushing. Keep Pushing. You must keep pushing……”

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I constantly feel like I am having an out of body experience and I am just watching myself go through the motions.

I feel absolutely neurotic. I’m not sure if its just in my DNA or if I am in love with making myself crazy. I feel stuck and I know the only reason I am here is because of me. And the only person that can fix this….is me. In order to fix my life dissatisfaction, I must first stop the pacifying and self-numbing talk and actually admit to myself what I am feeling and why. This is a brand spanking new year. I have officially crossed over from my twenties and cant start it off this way. I refuse.

Something has been sitting in the pit of me for sometime and the more I have ignored. Masked it. Numbed it. The larger it grew. “It will pass. This is just temporary. Things will get better just be patient.” There goes that self numbing again. This morning that mass grew so big I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. This morning I was on edge. I felt it coming….the meltdown. But God, I cant do this in front of the little one. She can’t see this. And I have to go to work. I don’t have time for this. I have dropped the little one off for school, I begin my journey to work. Its happening. I came up with an excuse and called in to work. I know she didn’t believe me when I said I was sick but  i honestly don’t even care. I mean, i honestly couldn’t call in to work and say, “I’m just not feeling it today. My sadness has set in and taken over and I cant function properly right now.”

I turned around and headed home and….i cried. I couldn’t hold it any longer. Where is this coming from?

I feel like my life is in absolute disarray and I don’t know where to begin. So i sit and i have a cup of coffee because that’s what adults do right? Right. I sit in silence and i decide while I try to make sense of my emotions I will start by cleaning my physical surroundings. Hopefully by the time I am done I will begin to understand why I am overcome with so much sadness today.  I wash the dishes. I sort all of the dirty clothes. I begin washing clothes. I wash the mirrors. I clean the living room. I clean the bedrooms. And now I sit. I think it is finally time to admit what is troubling me.

I am lonely.

Damn.

I love my parents. They are the most supportive people in my life. They protect me as much as they can. I love my circle of friends. I know they have my back through and through but….when I get home, its just me. And the love from the aforementioned does not. cannot replace the love that is desired by a mate.  Why is this so hard to admit?

Adults don’t speak of this. You don’t dare. You can’t admit that. Don’t you know lonely people are desperate. And that my friend is not attractive.

But this is not true. I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I rather take my time in building a relationship with the right person for me that can grow organically into love. I am not on a hunt for man. I don’t spend every free moment desiring a man. But I do acknowledge that missing space in my life. Now that my parents have officially relocated, I no longer have the distraction of what is lacking. So why not just start dating then?

My mental is holding me back. I told you I was neurotic.

issue #1: I have been single so long that I seriously get overwhelmed with the thought of opening myself up and making myself more inviting. I struggle with this. Badly.

issue #2: I fear rejection because of my insecurities. yeah I know. Lame right. But its true. I acknowledge that I am not physically comfortable. And I am working on it. But in the meantime, my dissatisfaction with my body is weighing on my mind so tough  that there is no way I can convince someone else that I am desirable when I don’t feel it myself. Now don’t get it twisted. I love myself. I think I have an amazing personality if i do say so myself, however my physical comfortability does matter to me and I’m just not there yet.

issue #3: Past experiences. Let me start by saying, I know every man is not the same. But my choices of  men in the past weren’t the best and the last two were really bad experiences for me. I would be lying if I said that I was unaffected and that it didn’t have an impact on my reluctance to try dating again.

issue #4: I fear being single the rest of my life if i don’t get it together.

issue#5: Aside from my weight issue and state of loneliness, I have dreams that I am fighting to make a reality and it is becoming very hard to continue walking into a job I don’t like just to keep the bills paid until something actually pops off with my entrepreneurial endeavors. I’m bored with it and I’m just ready to be done with it.

I share this because I think I have kept it to myself long enough and I want others to know its nothing wrong with admitting when something is off in your life. Some times in this adult life we just aren’t vulnerable enough. Even just with ourselves. I don’t feel good about my current state of being. But i do feel better after finally admitting what is troubling me. Now, I can begin to take the necessary steps in bringing balance to my life.

Peace, Love, and Happiness,

M O H NA || L Y S S A A

 

Donald’s Daughter: He Gave Me Balance

 

 

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Many of my friends, associates, and/or people that I have crossed paths with in this life have come from single parent homes. And not only is the father absent from the home….he is absent from their lives.

A woman cannot create life without a man. A man cannot create life without a woman. If it takes both to bring this human life into existence…why do so many falter and fail to understand that both are essential in guiding this child into an adult?

I was blessed to have both parents in the home and my father wasn’t just someone who was there…he was very active in my brother and I’s lives. Even to this day he makes sure we have what we need within the limits that he can provide and just like my mother he is ALWAYS encouraging and uplifting. Being around my dad is my safe place. Whenever I am distraught, unsettled, and just simply needing a refresh….I go home. Where I am always welcome.

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Going through my puberty stage was a bitch…let me tell you. I was in the process of trying to figure myself out, hormones all over the place, and crying for no other reason than my hormones forcing me to do so…through this my dad didn’t understand it and I believed he expected me to be able to control it. With me being the first born and him never dealing with puberty before as a parent….it was 3 to 4 years of misunderstandings. Nonetheless, I am happy he cared enough about me to pester me throughout my puberty years in trying to understand me and take extra steps to bond with me.

My daddy is very special to me. Throughout my childhood I have watched him work his ass off to make sure his family is taken care of. He has protected his family from toxic people and situations. He has taken his family on trips. Every morning he would do my hair (until i got old enough to do it myself) and take me and my brother to school. I watched him treat my mother with love and affection and that was my first teacher in how a woman is to be treated and how a relationship/marriage is suppose to be.

There are many  things I have learned from my daddy. Just like my mother he too is kind, supportive, charismatic, and silly.  But the best and most important thing he has done for me is be present in my life and creating balance. I love you and I thank you everyday.

Happy Father’s Day Daddy!!!

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Donna’s Daughter: things my mother taught me

“Ain’t a woman alive that could take my mama’s place”
“I can always depend on my mama
And when it seems that I’m hopeless
You say the words that can get me back in focus”
“I gotta thank the Lord that you made me
There are no words that can express how I feel
You never kept a secret, always stayed real
And I appreciate, how you raised me
And all the extra love that you gave me”
“But my plan is to show you that I understand
You are appreciated”
-Tupac
“Dear Mama”

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I am blessed. God chose for me to have a mother that is loving, kind, graceful, and non-judgmental. knowing when it’s appropriate to give constructive criticism and when to just be supportive. Many have not been blessed to be born to a mother of this nature or to experience a mom period. But GOD saw different for me.

My childhood was a happy and fun filled one. I didn’t grow up in a house of fighting and arguing. Yelling and shouting. Or even deprivation. We had talks. Family talks. We ate meals together. We travelled as a family to other states just because and we had family movie nights. Life was good.

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My mother has taught me LOVE. Unconditional Love. I was never left to feel neglected, unworthy or even undeserving. She taught me strength and high esteem for oneself. I have made many mistakes in this life and in love but I was never told “I told you so.” She understood and still understands that I have to learn from my own mistakes but that’s not to say advice isn’t given.

When I decided to pursue what I considered to be a non-practical career away from what I went to school for I was surprisingly met with nothing but support and even told “don’t feel like you wasted your degree or your time going to school.” I don’t know how many people can say that. Instead of shielding myself and my brother my mother and father both always even to this day encouraged us to always put forth the utmost effort and if it doesn’t work out…well, at least you gave it your all.

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My mother taught me to be a giver. I can recall my parents experiencing financial blessings on various occasions and sharing it with myself and my brother. It’s not something we really had knowledge of but because their lives don’t revolve around that mighty dollar they took joy in sharing with their kids. She has given a ride to a stranger that needed it. She has opened up her home to several friends and family that needed it. She gives her time, her ear, and her compassion. She’s been trying to teach me patience my whole life….we still working on that.

My mother has taught me what a wife…what a good wife is like. There have been times when I just didn’t understand some of her decisions but naturally I’m thinking from a single woman’s perspective. A more selfish standpoint. I watch her and my fathers interactions and I see genuine whole hearted love. I see compromise. Support. Affection. Respect. Trust. Happiness.

You are my heart and the ideal woman of whom I look to when I need to check myself. You are LOVE and I wouldn’t change anything about you.

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!

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I’m going to take this time to celebrate myself a little bit. …

I am six years into this motherhood thing. Sometimes it still feels surreal that this little person refers to me as mommy and holds this amount of love and adoration for me. I do my best to ensure she is protected. Happy. And grows into an intelligent free thinking young lady. To accomplish this I naturally look to my mothers example. “What Would Donna Do?”

Having Sumaya has taught me love on another level. And she too is teaching me patience. She helps me in becoming a worth while woman because with her looking up to me I have to be sure to make wise decisions.
I do hope to one day have another child or two. And I know Sumaya would be more than thrilled when that day comes because right now all I hear are request for a little brother. Motherhood is scary when you are single and when it’s your first. And hopefully one day I will cross paths with my significant other and we can expand on this family and I can continue to learn, grow, and teach what I have learned from Donna.

With Love,
Donna’s Daughter

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