Apologize I Will Not

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The only way I can really describe it, is that it feels like the oxygen is being let back into my lungs. My skin is now getting its color back and the curves of my lips are once more in a comfort being turned up.
The deep gray clouds that took home over me are now dissipating and the aftermath is another octave of elevation in my centerness within myself.
A spiritual growth. An emotion rebuilding.
I’ve gone through this once before but it was influenced heavily by others and how I was left feeling after being let down..
This time around it was all internal.
I kept ignoring the feelings telling myself, “this isn’t the right time. You don’t have the time to break down now.”
And the more I ignored it and didn’t take ME seriously and figured I’s just await whatever this was to pass….
It didn’t. It only got worse until it grew to the point I couldn’t breathe.
The simplest things upset me.
I could no longer control my emotional breakdowns.
I could sleep 12 hours and still feel like I only laid down for 5 minutes.

This darkness crept in without my permission and some of it I could place and some of it I cannot… and a portion of it I’m starting to unpack with reluctance.
I isolated myself. I withdrew into me.
The best way for me to repair myself was to attend to myself properly and I couldn’t do that with constant questions of concern, worry and their emotions being latched to mine. I needed that space so I took that space…
And as I am blooming back to fullness, I make no apologies for my ‘MEcation’.
I for once made myself a priority.
And to keep the growth going I have been research therapy options because I want my mind and heart to be as sound as it can possibly be.

This world is harsh. Unforgiving. People are harsh. Unforgiving. Extreme in expectations and I just needed to mute that shit as much as I could.
The mind is a fragile place and I want to keep mine intact.
I don’t feel the same. Not really sure if I’m suppose to.
But I feel even stronger than my last bought of this.
And my picture is once again coming back into focus.

In the name of Self care and in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness month this is my current state of being as I am pulling myself back up.

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Table for 1: Singular

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Being single is not a death sentence. Sure its not ideal but the time spent stressing about your singularity is time and energy misused. But then again what do I know… I am 31 years old and I have only experienced fragments of love. No genuine commitments. No Flowers and chocolates. No corny notes. No heartfelt ‘I love you’s.  No extended efforts. No Valentine. No sweetie for sweetest day. No mistletoe kiss. No “Happy New Year” embrace. No, “I just want to be around you.”

And I am Okay.

I accept my part in this everlasting single status. I know I am not the most open and only a small few have had the pleasure of being invited….more so from persistence. But invited none the less. Can I just say, when you are in the midst of discovering your own personality and really have no true definition of one self, you are liable to fall for anything…and/or unaware of how to go about digging a little deeper into the true essence of another.

But i still have no regrets.

Those fragments have actually helped me find my personality. They helped me learn my likes and dislikes. Those fragments were experiences. Teachers of life. I regret none of them. I learned something new from each of them. I have been exposed with each lesson. And because I accept this truth…

I am not bitter.

And patience is a virtue, right?

I am 31. Preparing to live my  life as I see fit. And allow love to enter in as it may. Transform organically; as it is meant to. I will be mindful of my lessons that have thoroughly prepared me for the moment I graduate from a singular to plural. But until then I will continue to appreciate the breath in my body, all 4 seasons in a 365 time frame, the life that i bore from one of the fragments, and my gift for transforming experiences into creative works of art.

Singular status has given me much clarity and allowed me to connect with the most amazing person i have ever met…

ME.

Because if you don’t take the time to connect with yourself and build yourself up, what good can you be to someone else?

 

sidenote: this is a retro post I found in my draft folder. I decided to still share because the feelings expressed I can still relate to despite now dating. I am now 33.

 

Better Dead Than Ordinary…

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Up watching “States of Undress” a docu-series  on the VICELAND network as they explore the beauty culture of Venezuela.

A woman whose nose has collapsed as a result of injections of an illegal substance expressed,

“Better to be dead than ordinary..”

A proverb amongst the Venezuelan.

I’m thinking of this in other ways than just the beauty standard which is the focus of the documentary.

What is the fascination with being un-ordinary?

Who ever told you ordinary was a sin?

In my humblest opinion, everyone has ordinary characteristics about them the same way they have distinctive features which we often dub as a flaw.

No harm in aspiring to do more. Be more. Evolve.

Aspiring to be Distinctive is an ordinary act and 9 times out of 10 the distinction you are aiming for is based on a trend so by default you are ordinary.

There is no sin in being ordinary.

Now…

–In another context–

“Better dead than ordinary..”

Can also be read as Living versus surviving.

Are you getting the most potential out of your being during this time on earth?

Or are you simply accepting the mediocrity of life and settling in the fine lines of barely getting by and mundane routine?

Granted not everyone actually aspires to be  an entrepreneur or a creative force for that matter but ensure what ever path you choose its what you absolutely want out of this time on this earthly dwelling.

“We’re just ordinary people…”

And there is no sin in being ordinary.

Peace.

 

 

What Are You Thankful For?

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when you wake up in the morning what is the first thing that you do?

when was the last time you stopped to appreciate where you are and what what you have in life?

Understand my life is no where near where i want it to be, but each day i take time to connect with ‘The Powers that Be’ to give thanks and seek guidance on my path.

Start your day with appreciation for the little things that you do have and then ask yourself what is at least one thing i can do today to turn my life in the direction i desire?

And if you still struggle with seeing the value in your life i encourage you to be a light to someone else and you’ll be surprised how it becomes rewarding not just to that person but to you as well.

Know that The universe speaks to you everyday. You just got to pay attention and be open to the message.

Life is only as hard as you make it.

Mohna L.