Apologize I Will Not

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The only way I can really describe it, is that it feels like the oxygen is being let back into my lungs. My skin is now getting its color back and the curves of my lips are once more in a comfort being turned up.
The deep gray clouds that took home over me are now dissipating and the aftermath is another octave of elevation in my centerness within myself.
A spiritual growth. An emotion rebuilding.
I’ve gone through this once before but it was influenced heavily by others and how I was left feeling after being let down..
This time around it was all internal.
I kept ignoring the feelings telling myself, “this isn’t the right time. You don’t have the time to break down now.”
And the more I ignored it and didn’t take ME seriously and figured I’s just await whatever this was to pass….
It didn’t. It only got worse until it grew to the point I couldn’t breathe.
The simplest things upset me.
I could no longer control my emotional breakdowns.
I could sleep 12 hours and still feel like I only laid down for 5 minutes.

This darkness crept in without my permission and some of it I could place and some of it I cannot… and a portion of it I’m starting to unpack with reluctance.
I isolated myself. I withdrew into me.
The best way for me to repair myself was to attend to myself properly and I couldn’t do that with constant questions of concern, worry and their emotions being latched to mine. I needed that space so I took that space…
And as I am blooming back to fullness, I make no apologies for my ‘MEcation’.
I for once made myself a priority.
And to keep the growth going I have been research therapy options because I want my mind and heart to be as sound as it can possibly be.

This world is harsh. Unforgiving. People are harsh. Unforgiving. Extreme in expectations and I just needed to mute that shit as much as I could.
The mind is a fragile place and I want to keep mine intact.
I don’t feel the same. Not really sure if I’m suppose to.
But I feel even stronger than my last bought of this.
And my picture is once again coming back into focus.

In the name of Self care and in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness month this is my current state of being as I am pulling myself back up.

Table for 1: Singular

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Being single is not a death sentence. Sure its not ideal but the time spent stressing about your singularity is time and energy misused. But then again what do I know… I am 31 years old and I have only experienced fragments of love. No genuine commitments. No Flowers and chocolates. No corny notes. No heartfelt ‘I love you’s.  No extended efforts. No Valentine. No sweetie for sweetest day. No mistletoe kiss. No “Happy New Year” embrace. No, “I just want to be around you.”

And I am Okay.

I accept my part in this everlasting single status. I know I am not the most open and only a small few have had the pleasure of being invited….more so from persistence. But invited none the less. Can I just say, when you are in the midst of discovering your own personality and really have no true definition of one self, you are liable to fall for anything…and/or unaware of how to go about digging a little deeper into the true essence of another.

But i still have no regrets.

Those fragments have actually helped me find my personality. They helped me learn my likes and dislikes. Those fragments were experiences. Teachers of life. I regret none of them. I learned something new from each of them. I have been exposed with each lesson. And because I accept this truth…

I am not bitter.

And patience is a virtue, right?

I am 31. Preparing to live my  life as I see fit. And allow love to enter in as it may. Transform organically; as it is meant to. I will be mindful of my lessons that have thoroughly prepared me for the moment I graduate from a singular to plural. But until then I will continue to appreciate the breath in my body, all 4 seasons in a 365 time frame, the life that i bore from one of the fragments, and my gift for transforming experiences into creative works of art.

Singular status has given me much clarity and allowed me to connect with the most amazing person i have ever met…

ME.

Because if you don’t take the time to connect with yourself and build yourself up, what good can you be to someone else?

 

sidenote: this is a retro post I found in my draft folder. I decided to still share because the feelings expressed I can still relate to despite now dating. I am now 33.

 

Table for 1: Trust

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I do not trust your words.

I cannot trust your actions if they are not aligned with what you speak.

I am special.

The Powers that Be and my mama told me so.

My Daddy respects me.

So, you sir are not permitted to shake up my world without pure intentions.

I want what i want and i only compromise with the deserving.

I foolishly allowed another to partake in breaking my spirit once and i learned never to permit that again.

The Plus side…

I came back stronger than ever and he don’t even know it.

He refused to acknowledge my light.

You must acknowledge and respect my light as I know no other way than to work at making yours shine brighter.

Be Fair.

Be Kind.

Be Love.

Earn this trust.

And we shall be just fine.

Mohna Lyssaa.

Better Dead Than Ordinary…

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Up watching “States of Undress” a docu-series  on the VICELAND network as they explore the beauty culture of Venezuela.

A woman whose nose has collapsed as a result of injections of an illegal substance expressed,

“Better to be dead than ordinary..”

A proverb amongst the Venezuelan.

I’m thinking of this in other ways than just the beauty standard which is the focus of the documentary.

What is the fascination with being un-ordinary?

Who ever told you ordinary was a sin?

In my humblest opinion, everyone has ordinary characteristics about them the same way they have distinctive features which we often dub as a flaw.

No harm in aspiring to do more. Be more. Evolve.

Aspiring to be Distinctive is an ordinary act and 9 times out of 10 the distinction you are aiming for is based on a trend so by default you are ordinary.

There is no sin in being ordinary.

Now…

–In another context–

“Better dead than ordinary..”

Can also be read as Living versus surviving.

Are you getting the most potential out of your being during this time on earth?

Or are you simply accepting the mediocrity of life and settling in the fine lines of barely getting by and mundane routine?

Granted not everyone actually aspires to be  an entrepreneur or a creative force for that matter but ensure what ever path you choose its what you absolutely want out of this time on this earthly dwelling.

“We’re just ordinary people…”

And there is no sin in being ordinary.

Peace.

 

 

3 am: Mystique

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Caught in a an endless cycle she misplaced herself…

And she only hoped for the day that someone would come across her missing essence and return it to her.

At a loss of where even to begin searching and not even realizing that rebuilding was an option she continued on…

The Bills.

The Kids.

The House.

Groceries.

Laundry.

Work.

He who wanted no parts of this abandoned the responsibilities.

And it was then that she began to lose herself in the cycle…

Fighting to maintain…

she became less of a priority.

And no one there to remind her of her significance to the universe. No one to nurture delicate nature of her as a woman.

’Til One day…

“Come on Kids lets go  before we’re late.” she yelled down the hall. “Im going to the mailbox and everyone has 2 minutes to meet me out at the car.”

She stepped out the door and noticed 2 roses on the windshield of her car.

“What in the world,” she whispered to herself as she looked left then right  down the street in bewilderment.

With the roses was an envelope tucked under one of the wiper blades.

“Ooooohhh, whats that mom? Who is that from?” asked one of the kids.

“Get in the car.” she replied

After dropping them off at school, she headed back home to fall back into her cycle, on her day off, of maintaining the household duties.

She took a seat on the couch and opened the envelope…

“ You Are Beautiful” 

Not sure whether to be frightened by the mystery of it all she surprisingly found herself to be more flattered than anything.

Its been a while since she felt that way so the feeling was a bit warming.

The next day…

As she was planted fresh flowers in her yard…

“Hi there care for some assistance?”

Slightly startled she looked up to see an attractive man, “Hey, no i think i can manage. But thank you though.”

“Ok. Well do you mind if i keep you company while you work?”

Amused, flattered, and confused all at once she smiled, “Sure.”

“My name is Austin.”

“Stacie.”

“You’re Beautiful Stacie.” he expressed, “ and something tells me its been a while since you’ve heard those words.”

Stacie stopped what she was doing feeling a since of sadness in the truth of his revelation and warmth from the kind words…

“Thank You. Is it safe to say you are responsible for the note and roses?”

“Yes.”

Stacie walked over to him and stood about a foot away. “Are you stalking me?”

Austin let out a light laugh. “Not at all. Just an admirer that has taken notice of you. I live in the house across your back yard and i sit outside on my patio a lot and i just watch you tend to your yard. Tend to your kids. I watch you work hard, so focused that never once did see me in plain sight. I watched from afar enough to see that you could use some tenderness.”

Not sure what to say she stared at him searching for words…

what to say…

Im sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable, I just—-“

“ NO. No…your fine. Im just a little speechless, not really sure what to say.”

“Thats okay. I really just came to introduce myself and deliver the compliment. I do have to go but i will be back to see you again.”

Not sure what else to say, she replied, “Ok.”

Two days later….

Late into the night after the kids were long sleep, unable to sleep HE crossed her mind…

she threw on her robe and headed to the kitchen for a cup of tea and while she awaiting the kettle to whistle she walked to the patio door….

To glance across the yard…

At 3am…

*tea kettle whistled*

As she was preparing her tea…

There was a knock at the patio door.

She walked to the patio door and there HE was with a gorgeous smile on his face.

She embarrassingly smiled back and cracked the door…

“You were looking for me?”…

what was once lost has been found.

At 3am.

Mohna Lyssaa

TABLE FOR 1

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The touch of his hands against my skin.

The feel of his lips against mine.

The look in his eyes that wraps me in love and safety.

The scent of him that ignites fires.

His wisdom that makes rivers flow….

Is all within my fantasies.

I do not know this man.

I wish to.

But…

My head and my heart are at a constant battle.

Ive grown to be so accustomed to my singular life that the desires of HIM are foreign to me.

I can literally only imagine how it feels to be desired by another beyond the lustful eye.

There is a part of me locked behind a barrier and I cant seem to break free.

I know my worth and i have taken such drastic steps to protect my spirit that i struggle with freeing myself enough to explore..

To Learn.

To Experience.

To Play.

To Grow.

To Bond.

To Touch.

To Be Touched.

This is my chronicle of transitioning into dating at the age of 31 as I have been single for most of my adult life. Learning to step outside of myself.

Mohna. Lyssaa

 

3 am: Organized Chaos

Late night/Early Morning, i lie here with something i read earlier in the day stuck heavy on my mind…

“How to Become a Morning Person”

This is significant to me as i know in order to live the life i desire  i must speak it into existence. I must reprogram to start my day when needed and not just when i want to. I am not a morning person by a long shot but i know in order to obtain my many fires and desires within i must change up my routine…or more so create one.

This new journey both excites and scares me because i know it its a fool proof pink print to my ultimate happiness.

Not understanding the big deal?..

I often tell myself “i don’t have time to do my makeup.” “I don’t have time to write.” “Im too tired to work out after working a long day.” “i don’t have the time/energy to do…etc.”

TIME.

TIME.

TIME.

I see the memes. I know the sayings…. “We all have the same 24 hours.” “Cant sleep your life away.” All very true.

I Believe in myself so much i am dedicating to a complete LIFE makeover.

Take the necessary steps to fix what you don’t like and watch ‘The Powers that BE’ meet you half way with blessings beyond what you imagined.

Join me in this Journey of Organized Chaos.

Love,

Mohna L.

Thirtysomething

Various thoughts & discoveries on my 31st birthday…

Today is my second year being a thirty something and I experienced this birthday with a greater calmness than the last. Last year I became riddled with anxiety and disappointment after feeling as if I had failed to accomplish any real substantial life goals. With another 365 under my belt, most of those goals are STILL not accomplished but i have grown to understand and accept that as long as I continue to work towards meeting them with genuine effort that is all that matters.

Today i share a birthday with Denzel Washington, Nichelle Nichols (Star Trek), Gayle King (Oprah’s homegirl), John Legend, Joe Manganiello (True Blood), & Miles Brown (youngest son on Blackish).

Putting a quality business together is hard as F-U-C-K…that is all.

Lose all inhibitions.

Its time to do some adult things like open myself up to a love like Tracy “Mahogany” Chambers & Brian Walker. I think I have grown too comfortable with being by myself.

As with all past years I look forward to the start of a new year…which simply symbolizes a fresh beginning, but if i can be honest, I began working on 2016 goals some time ago.

Goals on Goals on Goals.

MOHNA LYSSAA & REDLIPSTICK will be properly introduced in the 2016 year.

new friends. new energy. positive vibes.

I’m ready to move…seriously.

I want to go to Harpo’s and hear Shug Avery sing.

I love and value my Black people that are constantly made to feel inadequate even by other ethnic groups that are only one historic horror away from being treated the same as us.

Happy Birthday Beautiful and please please please continue to catwalk in love and light. Your destiny awaits you…its simply up to you on how long it takes you to get there. Just make sure you remain honest and dignified along the way.

LOVE,

Melissa/Mohna Lyssaa

WHEN BEING A “GOOD GUY” IS NOT ENOUGH

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“SHE ASKS FOR A GOOD MAN BUT IGNORES THE ONE RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER.”

“I CAN GIVE YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED BUT YOU PREFER THE GUY THATS GON’ DISRESPECT YOU”

“FEMALES DONT KNOW WHAT THEY WANT”

“YOU’RE SHALLOW”

“YOU NEED TO GIVE THE GUY YOU WOULDN’T NORMALLY LOOK TWICE AT A SHOT.”

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MANY WOMEN HAVE HEARD ONE OR MORE OF THE ABOVE LINES OR VARIATIONS OF THEM. IN SOME CASES THEY ARE VERY TRUE, BUT IN OTHERS I’D LIKE TO THINK IT IS A DEFAULT RESPONSE WHEN ONE IS BEING REJECTED.

I SEE YOU. I AM AWARE OF YOUR POTENTIAL. I AM AWARE OF YOUR INTENTIONS. BUT BECAUSE I CHOOSE NOT TO PURSUE A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU DOESNT MEAN I AM BLIND OR SELF ABSORBED.

I USED TO BE BOTHERED TO SOME DEGREE WHEN ONE OF THE ABOVE LINES WERE SAID TO ME. IT IRRITATED ME AND EVEN PISSED ME OFF AND I THINK “THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN COME UP WITH?”

JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE A HALF WAY DECENT PERSON DOESNT MEAN THAT YOU ARE AUTOMATICALLY A GOOD MAN IN A RELATIONSHIP.

JUST BECAUSE YOU HOLD OPEN DOORS, GIVE COMPLIMENTS ,  AND WE HAVE BOMB ASS CONVERSATIONS AND YOU EXPRESS YOUR INTEREST IN ME BUT YOUR TRACK RECORD IN PAST RELATIONSHIPS REFLECT A CHEATER, A LIAR,  AND FALSE INTENTIONS AND I AM AWARE OF ALL OF THIS….WHERE IS THE MOTIVATION FOR ME TO ENTER A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU? I CANNOT HOLD OUT HOPE THAT “IT WILL BE DIFFERENT WITH ME.” I AM NO ONES TEST DUMMY.

JUST BECAUSE YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF  A GOOD GUY….DOESNT MEAN YOU ACTUALLY ARE  A GOOD GUY.

AND THE GUYS USING WOMEN FOR SHELTER AND PLAYING LIKE YOU CARE ABOUT HER FOR A PLACE TO STAY ARE WACK TOO, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE OVER THE AGE OF 30. BUT THATS A WHOLE NOTHER TOPIC FOR ANOTHER TIME.

ACTIONS DO SPEAK MUCH LOUDER THAN WORDS, BUT BOTH MUST BE GENUINE AND SINCERE.

I HAVE GAINED A CLEARER UNDERSTANDING OF WHAT KIND OF MAN I WANT IN MY LIFE THROUGH THE YEARS . SO ALTHOUGH YOU MAY BE A DECENT GUY. YOU MAY NOT BE  THE GUY FOR ME. I AM ENTITLED TO TAKE MY TIME UNTIL I CROSS PATHS WITH MY COMPLEMENTARY ENERGY. BECAUSE HONESTLY, WHO WANTS TO SETTLE OR BE THE ONE SOMEONE IS SETTLING FOR?

WHEN DECIDING WHO I FEEL IS WORTH MY TIME, IT GOES A BIT DEEPER THAN SIMPLY HOW YOU TREAT ME. I WATCH HOW YOU ARE WITH OTHERS, HOW YOU HANDLE SITUATIONS, AND HOW YOU RESPOND TO NEGATIVE ENERGY. YOU MAY BE ALL SWEET AND PEACHES AND CREAM WITH ME BUT A COMPLETE PRICK TO THE REST OF THE WORLD….THAT DOESNT SIT RIGHT WITH ME EITHER. THAT ALONE TELLS ME ITS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE THAT TYPE OF ATTITUDE BECOMES DIRECTED MY WAY. SO I SHALL PASS ON ENGAGING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU.

BEFORE BEING SO QUICK TO WRITE A WOMAN OFF AS OVERLOOKING YOU. BEING SHALOW. OR PREFERRING DISRESPECT, TAKE A MOMENT TO REFLECT ON WHO YOU ARE TRULY SHOWING YOURSELF TO BE VERSES YOUR INTENTIONS. THE ENERGY YOU GIVE OFF AS AN INDIVIDUAL AFFECTS THE ENERGY YOU CREATE TOGETHER.

I SAW A QUOTE NOT TOO LONG AGO AND IT WAS VERY RIGHT ON. IT SAID THAT “WE TEND TO JUDGE OTHERS BY THEIR ACTIONS AND OURSELVES BY OUR INTENTIONS.”

JUST MY THOUGHTS ON A SUNDAY.

M O H N A  L Y S S A A

Love’s Fine Print

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We Humans love for things to be black and white. We seek clear defined answers. But the reality is that life is really anything but black and white. These areas are what I refer to as Life’s fine print. The exceptions to the rule. Most of us don’t like those. Some are better at accepting them than others. This is more so true when it comes to Love….

There is  a storyline in one one of my upcoming projects that is very interesting for me. I had to step outside of my own personal opinions in order to write it.

See, I am very much a believer in being faithful within your marriage. And if you are not happy within your marriage you need to get out of it. Deceiving your spouse is unacceptable. But what if there is this other side…the gray area. Love’s fine print…

I explore this idea that two people of opposite sexes  meet and what started out as an innocent enough friendship somewhere along the way turns into genuine love. But one of the two is married. What if the person you married is not your soulmate despite all things going well. You are happy and content within your union until you meet this other soul that makes you feel things you have never felt before. All those feelings you have for you spouse are more along the lines of contentment, familiarity, attachment and this other person awakens that “this is the one” inside of you. Its not a lustful thing. Its not a matter of wanting to have your cake and eat it too. And you weren’t even looking for extramarital activities. Because you never felt it before you perceived the love you felt before as being that “this is the one.”

I do believe, although rare, but possible that some get married thinking they are marrying their soulmate but not really. See this is the scary shit about love and marriage. Making a mistake and giving too much of my time to the wrong one…and potentially marrying the wrong one. Now true enough there are signs but what if those signs are simply overlooked as just one of relationships ups and downs.

Any who, getting back on track, i  explore the idea that without meaning to sometimes a person finds their soulmate after having already entered into a union with someone else. And they are then left with this huge decision to walk away from this soulmate and continue life with their spouse who they will continue to love but not as wholeheartedly as they would their TRUE love. Or…walking away from life as you know it and building a new one with your TRUE love.

Now, I’m not saying leaving a spouse for another is right….but Im also not saying its wrong either.Most who do are foul. But what I’m exploring is that small group where the unexpected happens.

Do you believe in Soulmates? Or being with your Soulmate at all cost? What do you think of these gray areas of love? Do you find this to be wrong no matter the situation?

Well stay tuned as I explore this very dynamic in one of my upcoming projects….

Where being the side chick was totally frowned upon….until you became one.

 

 

With Love,

Mohna Lyssaa