Apologize I Will Not

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The only way I can really describe it, is that it feels like the oxygen is being let back into my lungs. My skin is now getting its color back and the curves of my lips are once more in a comfort being turned up.
The deep gray clouds that took home over me are now dissipating and the aftermath is another octave of elevation in my centerness within myself.
A spiritual growth. An emotion rebuilding.
I’ve gone through this once before but it was influenced heavily by others and how I was left feeling after being let down..
This time around it was all internal.
I kept ignoring the feelings telling myself, “this isn’t the right time. You don’t have the time to break down now.”
And the more I ignored it and didn’t take ME seriously and figured I’s just await whatever this was to pass….
It didn’t. It only got worse until it grew to the point I couldn’t breathe.
The simplest things upset me.
I could no longer control my emotional breakdowns.
I could sleep 12 hours and still feel like I only laid down for 5 minutes.

This darkness crept in without my permission and some of it I could place and some of it I cannot… and a portion of it I’m starting to unpack with reluctance.
I isolated myself. I withdrew into me.
The best way for me to repair myself was to attend to myself properly and I couldn’t do that with constant questions of concern, worry and their emotions being latched to mine. I needed that space so I took that space…
And as I am blooming back to fullness, I make no apologies for my ‘MEcation’.
I for once made myself a priority.
And to keep the growth going I have been research therapy options because I want my mind and heart to be as sound as it can possibly be.

This world is harsh. Unforgiving. People are harsh. Unforgiving. Extreme in expectations and I just needed to mute that shit as much as I could.
The mind is a fragile place and I want to keep mine intact.
I don’t feel the same. Not really sure if I’m suppose to.
But I feel even stronger than my last bought of this.
And my picture is once again coming back into focus.

In the name of Self care and in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness month this is my current state of being as I am pulling myself back up.

Patron On Ice

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I hate this place.

I don’t know how i seem to find my way back here…..but i do.

“You are okay. You are an adult. And part of being an adult is sucking it up. Putting your big girl draws on and taking care of your responsibilities and putting everything else on ice. ”

“You are strong. You MUST remain strong. You cant let people see you cry. You cannot show your vulnerability.”

“Life will not always be this way. You must see the light at the end of the tunnel. All of your hard work will pay off.”

“Keep pushing. Keep Pushing. You must keep pushing……”

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I constantly feel like I am having an out of body experience and I am just watching myself go through the motions.

I feel absolutely neurotic. I’m not sure if its just in my DNA or if I am in love with making myself crazy. I feel stuck and I know the only reason I am here is because of me. And the only person that can fix this….is me. In order to fix my life dissatisfaction, I must first stop the pacifying and self-numbing talk and actually admit to myself what I am feeling and why. This is a brand spanking new year. I have officially crossed over from my twenties and cant start it off this way. I refuse.

Something has been sitting in the pit of me for sometime and the more I have ignored. Masked it. Numbed it. The larger it grew. “It will pass. This is just temporary. Things will get better just be patient.” There goes that self numbing again. This morning that mass grew so big I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. This morning I was on edge. I felt it coming….the meltdown. But God, I cant do this in front of the little one. She can’t see this. And I have to go to work. I don’t have time for this. I have dropped the little one off for school, I begin my journey to work. Its happening. I came up with an excuse and called in to work. I know she didn’t believe me when I said I was sick but  i honestly don’t even care. I mean, i honestly couldn’t call in to work and say, “I’m just not feeling it today. My sadness has set in and taken over and I cant function properly right now.”

I turned around and headed home and….i cried. I couldn’t hold it any longer. Where is this coming from?

I feel like my life is in absolute disarray and I don’t know where to begin. So i sit and i have a cup of coffee because that’s what adults do right? Right. I sit in silence and i decide while I try to make sense of my emotions I will start by cleaning my physical surroundings. Hopefully by the time I am done I will begin to understand why I am overcome with so much sadness today.  I wash the dishes. I sort all of the dirty clothes. I begin washing clothes. I wash the mirrors. I clean the living room. I clean the bedrooms. And now I sit. I think it is finally time to admit what is troubling me.

I am lonely.

Damn.

I love my parents. They are the most supportive people in my life. They protect me as much as they can. I love my circle of friends. I know they have my back through and through but….when I get home, its just me. And the love from the aforementioned does not. cannot replace the love that is desired by a mate.  Why is this so hard to admit?

Adults don’t speak of this. You don’t dare. You can’t admit that. Don’t you know lonely people are desperate. And that my friend is not attractive.

But this is not true. I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I rather take my time in building a relationship with the right person for me that can grow organically into love. I am not on a hunt for man. I don’t spend every free moment desiring a man. But I do acknowledge that missing space in my life. Now that my parents have officially relocated, I no longer have the distraction of what is lacking. So why not just start dating then?

My mental is holding me back. I told you I was neurotic.

issue #1: I have been single so long that I seriously get overwhelmed with the thought of opening myself up and making myself more inviting. I struggle with this. Badly.

issue #2: I fear rejection because of my insecurities. yeah I know. Lame right. But its true. I acknowledge that I am not physically comfortable. And I am working on it. But in the meantime, my dissatisfaction with my body is weighing on my mind so tough  that there is no way I can convince someone else that I am desirable when I don’t feel it myself. Now don’t get it twisted. I love myself. I think I have an amazing personality if i do say so myself, however my physical comfortability does matter to me and I’m just not there yet.

issue #3: Past experiences. Let me start by saying, I know every man is not the same. But my choices of  men in the past weren’t the best and the last two were really bad experiences for me. I would be lying if I said that I was unaffected and that it didn’t have an impact on my reluctance to try dating again.

issue #4: I fear being single the rest of my life if i don’t get it together.

issue#5: Aside from my weight issue and state of loneliness, I have dreams that I am fighting to make a reality and it is becoming very hard to continue walking into a job I don’t like just to keep the bills paid until something actually pops off with my entrepreneurial endeavors. I’m bored with it and I’m just ready to be done with it.

I share this because I think I have kept it to myself long enough and I want others to know its nothing wrong with admitting when something is off in your life. Some times in this adult life we just aren’t vulnerable enough. Even just with ourselves. I don’t feel good about my current state of being. But i do feel better after finally admitting what is troubling me. Now, I can begin to take the necessary steps in bringing balance to my life.

Peace, Love, and Happiness,

M O H NA || L Y S S A A

 

Meal Prepping….

 

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Every year there is a new fad or trend for getting Summertime fine. One of the things that’s not particularly new but I finally broke down and decided to try is meal prepping. Overestimating myself in being able to prepare myself balanced meals and eat healthy at work, I finally realized I am doing nothing but setting myself up for failure. I would literally plan ahead what I am going to go into the grocery store and get and end up coming out with something I have no business with. I am currently on my third week of meal prepping and I have to say I am LOVING IT!!!!

Meal Prepping is simply the act of preparing our meals ahead of time for however many days you need to.

Advantages of meal prepping….

1. Keeps you on track with your healthy eating since your meals are prepared ahead of time.

2. Keeps you from making last minute poor decisions.

3. Helps with portion control.

4. Great for beginners starting out in clean eating and not able to think of something healthy at the last minute.

5. Keeps you out of the store and restaurants. Minimizing temptation.

6. If you have a busy schedule, meal prepping eliminates having to take the time to cook something every day.

7. Saves you money.

My Method…

Friday/Saturday I buy my groceries. Since I am focusing on clean eating…as much as possible… I buy for the week only.

Sunday evening is when I prepare my breakfast and lunch for my work week (Monday thru Friday)

You will need to invest in some Tupperware containers. To start out, you can just go to any dollar store and stock up on containers. That is what I did but the tops aren’t secure at all so I do recommend if you go this route make sure it is in fact temporary until you can invest in something of better quality.

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I plan ahead what I would like to prepare for the week. At the moment, I still struggle with snack options because I’m  simply just not a celery and carrot stick type of girl, so if you have any recommendations or suggestions they are very much appreciated. I do highly encourage you to follow fitness pages on social networks for meal ideas and even utilize Pinterest as I have been doing. 

Now, I have been trying to stay away from rice, pastas, and bread. If I must have them then I eat them early in the day for lunch and for dinner I just have a meat and some veggies. (Salmon and veggies/ Chicken and veggies/ Salad and fish..etc etc etc)

WEEK ONE:

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Salmon seasoned with lemon pepper, sea salt. olive oil and seafood seasoning purchased at TJMaxx (don’t sleep on the spices and pastas at TJMaxx and Marshalls)

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Salmon, Sweet Potatoes, and Veggies

WEEK TWO:

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Boneless, Skinless Chicken breast marinated in Italian dressing, Yellow potatoes (boiled), and fresh broccoli, red, yellow, and green peppers steamed and seasoned.

WEEK THREE:

I have no pictures for this week but I decided on tuna salad which is on a bed of lettuce with a slice of tomato. I have a little baggie with salt-less crackers to go with the tuna.

Now I know many people are not considerate enough when it comes to workplace etiquette but I did take others in the office into consideration when choosing my meals. If you have your own office then there are no worries. But if you share a space with other people you might want to minimize or opt out completely from bringing in smelly food. The weeks I made fish I chose to eat in my car that way I’m not disturbing anyone.

What I also don’t have pictured but did do was take fruit for snacking. Oranges, apples, grapes, blueberries, and strawberries.

For breakfast I either buy oatmeal from McDonald’s, (not a fan of the instant oatmeal packets), drink a smoothie, or eat a bowl of honey nut cheerios with almond milk. Dairy and I are not friends and I have found myself leaving it alone more and more. I have stayed away from cow’s milk, yogurt, and even eating less ice cream. I have been replacing that with sorbet or if I do have ice cream its been the Talenti brand.

Hopefully this was helpful to some and I look forward to sharing more as I grown and evolve in this journey.

Peace and Love,

M O H N A L Y S S A A

 

 

 

Optimal Health

Although I am on a weight loss journey, there are other areas of me that need attention as well. And usually that is the case with many. I am focused on optimal health. Optimal Health is a balance of physical, emotional, social, spiritual, and intellectual health.

Physical

physical health is about being in a good and healthy condition, nutritionally, fitness wise, and being drug free. Maintaining good cholesterol and blood pressure levels. Are you at risk for diabetes? Treat your body kindly. I’m guilty of not always doing that. Eating all the wrong things that makes me at risk for diabetes, not being as physically active as necessary.

Emotional

Your emotional health is very important. If I am in bad mood, depressed, hurt, or angry I will either not eat or eat all the wrong stuff. I neglect my health. and its a roller coaster effect on my physical, social, and maybe even spiritual well being. Do things that encourage a positive emotional state. Eliminate toxic people in your life. Meditate. Being physically active can calm you and put you in better spirits. If you have old feelings from your past that haunt you. Deal with them. Make peace with it. I know its easier said than done but find ways to mend that because simply saying “I don’t care” and brushing it under the rug does nothing for you.

I don’t like to stay in a bad mood for long periods of time. I myself have experienced something very traumatic and hurtful but I refuse to just sit on it and not find ways to get over it and move on. Its not always easy but it is very necessary if I am serious about making a change for the better and making room for better.

Social

Social health is about having stable relationships with friend, family, colleagues, peers. Having a sense of confidence and security within yourself. If you have individuals in your life that are more negative than positive, keep them at bay. Surround yourself with positive people doing positive things in life. Maintain a healthy emotional state because if you are in a bad emotional state it can affect your relationships with friends, family, lovers, etc.

As stated before I experienced something that hurt me a lot and it put in a reclusive state of mind. I was depressed and I didn’t want to be accessible to be people or be social with anyone and to date…HA! No way. I am in a better place. Still a work in progress, but I am more aware of what I do and do not want in my life. I have come along way in this little life of mine. I am what you would call introverted but I am in the process of being more social and putting myself out there per se. That is part of why this site was created. To work on being more social as well as promote business wise….that will come eventually so in the meantime you guys get to learn all about me and hopefully engage in some of these discussions.

Spiritual

Spiritual health is a having a healthy belief or faith in a greater power and in understanding and fulfilling your purpose in life. If you want to maintain a healthy relationship with God, Allah, Jehovah there are many things you can do whether it be attending church services if that’s your thing, reading scriptures. Praying. Meditating. Personally I don’t focus to much on the church but more so praying everyday and acknowledging my many blessings. Remembering to not just pray when in a time of need but just simply saying “Thank You.” Meditation is amazing. It’s calming and it centers you. You can use that time to talk to God or to focus on you and your purpose.

Intellectual

Intellectual health is exhibiting the ability to set and achieve career, educational and financial  goals. Always, always, always stay educated. Be knowledgeable about what’s going on in the world around you. It’s not about having a formal degree but about learning from others and finding inspiration on a daily basis. Nothing is sexier than an knowledgeable and ambitious individual. Have goals in life and don’t just sit on them. Put them in motion no matter how far fetched they may seem. You deserve to at least try. even if you don’t succeed at least you can say you tried. Still not sure what you want to do in life? That’s okay as long as you are actively trying out differing avenues to determine what you ultimately gravitate towards. Now….I’m sorry but if you damn near 40 and you still don’t know what u want in life you either full of excuses, indecisive, or lazy as hell. pick one. I am 28. and just last year I made the decision to pursue my real  dreams vs. the one I forced myself to accept. Nothing wrong with being a late bloomer like myself but there are limitations to that.

So be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Nurture yourself. Be comfortable with you. And make sure not to focus so much on one aspect and neglect the others. In order to be a well rounded healthy happy being you must nurture all areas.

With Love,

Mohna Lyssaa

 

Journey to Better Health

Let me start by saying that I am proud of myself! Currently in the process of remodeling ever aspect of my life and my physical health is one of those areas. I recently, what was a big step for me, signed up to run a 5k in about a month and that has really pushed me to do what’s necessary to become the runner I desire to be and get in shape at the same time. I’m proud of me for not just talking about it but actually putting these plans for myself in motion… 
 For years I have struggled with my weight, experiencing bouts of not knowing where or how to start the weight loss process or just simply not able to stay committed. I have in the past year done extensive research to better educate myself to finally make my weight loss a success. Hopefully through a handful of entries, where I intend to shed some light on my journey and things I have learned, will you be able to make stride in your own journey if you too are lost in the sauce on what to do.

What I have learned is…

* 20% fitness/ 80% eating habits

Eating clean is terribly important. The cleaner you east the better. And for those that may not know what clean eating is—its where you eat fresh produce and little to no processed food.  About 2 maybe 3 years ago I wanted to do a cleanse of my system so I chose to do the Daniel Fast and that was the best thing I could have done. For as long as I can recall I have always experienced nausea. Having a weak stomach apparently runs in the family and when doing the fast I found the source of my nausea. The fast requires you to give up meat and sugars, and pastas for 21 days and encourages fruits, veggies, and herbal tea, and water. Well my system doesn’t digest red meat very well and while on the fast I didn’t experience any nausea. Now if I do eat meat its primarily chicken, fish, or turkey.

If your eating habits are not the best—it doesn’t matter how much you workout. there will be little to no progress.

*Experiment to decipher what it is you do and don’t like…and please for the love of God do NOT say you don’t like something if you NEVER even tried it

I have found that I am partial to working out  outdoors. I cant really get down with the gym life too much. I love to walk and run outside. On the other hand I do thoroughly enjoy bikram yoga, kickboxing, and racquetball.

Experiment. Try things to determine what you like? Hiking? Swimming? Yoga? Pilates? Wrestling? Boxing? Cycling? Zumba? Belly dancing? Pole dancing? Workout programs like Hip Hop Abs, Insanity, P90X. Possibilities are endless. You just have to finds what works for you. The goal is to stay active. MOVE.

*Don’t skip meals

I struggled with this one. I’ve never been a breakfast person but as I forced myself to at least eat a yogurt or a piece of fruit, I eventually found myself getting hungry every morning. If you choose to replace a meal with a smoothie that’s cool to just don’t skip altogether.

*WATER, WATER ,WATER, WATER, WATER, WATER

Drink it. Lots of it. It helps flush your system and if you are physically active you will need it. Lots of it

*Experiment with spices

The goal is to bring out the flavor in your food without using salt. Try a different spice every week or month.

*Don’t know where to start? Ask yourself these questions, HONESTLY….

How often a week do I eat vegetables? -How much water on a daily do I consume? -Sugar intake, what’s that looking like? – how many meals a day are you eating? – what are you eating? – How much sodium are you consuming? -how much processed food do you consume? Are you eating clean? -How physically active are you on a weekly basis?

Hopefully this helps someone at least a little bit and I will I will be posting pictures chronicling my progress.  Happy Journey to Better Health!

With Love,

Mohna Lyssaa

p.s. check out the link on the bottom of for a black girls guide to weight loss. Amazing site. Learned a lot. Check it out.