Apologize I Will Not

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The only way I can really describe it, is that it feels like the oxygen is being let back into my lungs. My skin is now getting its color back and the curves of my lips are once more in a comfort being turned up.
The deep gray clouds that took home over me are now dissipating and the aftermath is another octave of elevation in my centerness within myself.
A spiritual growth. An emotion rebuilding.
I’ve gone through this once before but it was influenced heavily by others and how I was left feeling after being let down..
This time around it was all internal.
I kept ignoring the feelings telling myself, “this isn’t the right time. You don’t have the time to break down now.”
And the more I ignored it and didn’t take ME seriously and figured I’s just await whatever this was to pass….
It didn’t. It only got worse until it grew to the point I couldn’t breathe.
The simplest things upset me.
I could no longer control my emotional breakdowns.
I could sleep 12 hours and still feel like I only laid down for 5 minutes.

This darkness crept in without my permission and some of it I could place and some of it I cannot… and a portion of it I’m starting to unpack with reluctance.
I isolated myself. I withdrew into me.
The best way for me to repair myself was to attend to myself properly and I couldn’t do that with constant questions of concern, worry and their emotions being latched to mine. I needed that space so I took that space…
And as I am blooming back to fullness, I make no apologies for my ‘MEcation’.
I for once made myself a priority.
And to keep the growth going I have been research therapy options because I want my mind and heart to be as sound as it can possibly be.

This world is harsh. Unforgiving. People are harsh. Unforgiving. Extreme in expectations and I just needed to mute that shit as much as I could.
The mind is a fragile place and I want to keep mine intact.
I don’t feel the same. Not really sure if I’m suppose to.
But I feel even stronger than my last bought of this.
And my picture is once again coming back into focus.

In the name of Self care and in honor of May being Mental Health Awareness month this is my current state of being as I am pulling myself back up.

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Table for 1: Singular

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Being single is not a death sentence. Sure its not ideal but the time spent stressing about your singularity is time and energy misused. But then again what do I know… I am 31 years old and I have only experienced fragments of love. No genuine commitments. No Flowers and chocolates. No corny notes. No heartfelt ‘I love you’s.  No extended efforts. No Valentine. No sweetie for sweetest day. No mistletoe kiss. No “Happy New Year” embrace. No, “I just want to be around you.”

And I am Okay.

I accept my part in this everlasting single status. I know I am not the most open and only a small few have had the pleasure of being invited….more so from persistence. But invited none the less. Can I just say, when you are in the midst of discovering your own personality and really have no true definition of one self, you are liable to fall for anything…and/or unaware of how to go about digging a little deeper into the true essence of another.

But i still have no regrets.

Those fragments have actually helped me find my personality. They helped me learn my likes and dislikes. Those fragments were experiences. Teachers of life. I regret none of them. I learned something new from each of them. I have been exposed with each lesson. And because I accept this truth…

I am not bitter.

And patience is a virtue, right?

I am 31. Preparing to live my  life as I see fit. And allow love to enter in as it may. Transform organically; as it is meant to. I will be mindful of my lessons that have thoroughly prepared me for the moment I graduate from a singular to plural. But until then I will continue to appreciate the breath in my body, all 4 seasons in a 365 time frame, the life that i bore from one of the fragments, and my gift for transforming experiences into creative works of art.

Singular status has given me much clarity and allowed me to connect with the most amazing person i have ever met…

ME.

Because if you don’t take the time to connect with yourself and build yourself up, what good can you be to someone else?

 

sidenote: this is a retro post I found in my draft folder. I decided to still share because the feelings expressed I can still relate to despite now dating. I am now 33.

 

3am: Moment of Weakness

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He grabs her and pulls her close. “Damn, baby. You smell good.”

She thanks him with her eyes.

“With a stroked ego, “do you like what you see?”

She nods and whispers, “I do.”

The attraction is undeniable. The The tension is thick. But she not trying to go out like that. Its time to go about things differently. But damn, its been so too long since she felt like this.

“Do you mind giving me a back rub?” he asks

This is a muthaf***n setup. “Sure, the oil is in the next room. you mind grabbing it?”

“Not at all.” “So what do you like to do?”

As she’s rubbing his back, “Lots of things. I’m a earthy girl. I love being out side. Exploring my surroundings. I love live music shows. Museums. Art. Photography. Traveling.”

“You’re really good at this. Imma start coming to you from now on.”

“Anytime, love.”

He turns onto his back.

They stare eye to eye.

“Where’s your valentine?”

“I dont have one”, she replies

“Yea, you do. Im right here.” and kisses her hand.

After a moment of silence.

“Just say it.”

“Say what?” she replies

‘Whatever it is that you’re thinking.”

He pulls her close…lips not quite touching but close enough to feel each others breath…

“will you be my baby?”

  • she isn’t confident in his sincerity but damn, this feeling….

and responds, “yes.”

Lips touch.

Shirt hits the floor.

Bra removed.

She can’t go out like this…we barely even know anything about each other.

“Let me up…please.”

“Baby just relax,” as he kisses her again and pushes her back onto the couch.

“she kisses back.” melting into him. Wanting to follow his order but…

“No….”

“was this your intention coming here?”

He responds, “No, baby”

“i rather get to know you a little better before we go there.”

“whether we do this now or later isn’t going to change us going on dates.”

the next day…

She sits at work. Unable to concentrate. With the feel of him stuck on her like glue.  Not wanting the wrong impression to be made of her  and trying to be righteous but this burning desire to let her hair down and just live in the moment … and the heat from the previous night imbedded refusing to settle down , whispered in her ear, “stop overthinking it and just do it.…

she texts him… good morning

he responds….  good morning

she texts him… you mind coming back so i can finish your massage? …

he responds… really?

she text… yes. this feeling is intense and i need you to fix this..

he responds… fix? elaborate?

Starting to feel foolish and not knowing how to gage the response she texts… never mind. Just disregard what i said. Im just having a moment of weakness.

he responds after a long delay…. whatever. when you want it?

she texts… now.

to be continued…

A Dollar & A Dream

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A week and a day later.

So a couple of years ago I got this bright idea to start an entertainment company and i didn’t sit on the idea very long before diving in head first. No seriously, like a month or two after forming this thought with no convincing needed I began sharing my new venture with loved ones and was already in the midst of licensing TWO companies with an acquired partner in tow for one of them.

Now I know what you’re thinking. TWO?! Recipe for disaster…

What can I say, i like to live dangerously.

Now this world is brand spanking new to me and i am learning as i go through lots and lots of trial and error and extensive reading research.

Because i want this to be a success and not being above education, I attended the Rico Love Music Conference with an open mind ready to take in all that was available for me to absorb.

Day 1 was an ordeal which actually started the day before but because we (the partner and I) were determined to get there, we arrived 2 hours late (fuck you Safari Maps) with notepads and ears perked up as if we been there the whole time taking in the stories and guided advice.

Day 2 was amazing.

the beautiful thing about it was that there weren’t only aspiring musicians, mangers, writers, and track masters there. You had potential A&R’s and other startups. Gospel artist. People from the UK, California, New Jersey, New York, Michigan, Chicago, DMV, Georgia, & Canada just to name a few.

That day has been playing in the background of my mind since i left.

There are a lot of things that i want to do.

Learn.

Explore.

Build.

I am not a singer. I am not a rapper. I created the companies with the intent to create a platform for women to navigate this tough male dominated industry. I want to see multiple female MC’s at the top simultaneously. I want to be instrumental in making this happen amongst many other things. I want to write films. I want to see if i can be any good at producing a track. I want to know if i can switch my story telling skills into writing a song. I love to paint pictures with words and unique images.

And I also want to share this space with others  looking to define themselves artistically.

Quite ambitious.

I know.

like i said, i live dangerously.

To say i was elated when Rico Love spoke on the difficulty of women breaking through the entertainment industry is downplaying my heart.

The fact that he stressed repeatedly to the guys that ‘this is not a dating service. This is not Tinder.’ Heavily promoting this as a safe space took the respect that I already had for him as an artist to the stratosphere as Rico Love the Man.

It also further drove home why I even started doing this in the first place and why its so important for me to continue with what i am building.

From the networking segment to Rico Love & Bryan Michael Cox talking on

Women in Music

Humility

“Only choose purpose driven friends.”

Professionalism

“There’s value in compromise.”

Consistency

Writing styles to study

Reflecting on the ideas to develop

& Close Ones perception of you as you grow through changes.

“Be prepared for the fallout”

I took from all of that an outline on what to build on in the next 365 so WHEN i return next year there will be visible growth.

Im not too bothered by my lack of preparedness this time because like i said I’m learning as i grow. i went with an open mind ready to take in whatever knowledgable guidance was at my disposal.

Until next time, every morning i will continue to tell myself,

“THE GIFT IS IN YOU”

Stylspiration: BET Awards 2016

This years award show definitely had its high moments and its lows but the one thing that consistently captured my attention through out this 3 hour & 45 minute show….were the varying ensembles.

I didn’t too much get to catch the red carpet fits due to being preoccupied with grilling sunday dinner but by the time the actual show was set to begin I took my place on the couch and took in all that BET had to offer.

Before I get into the clothes, let me just say…

1. BEYONCE…simply iconic and paired with Kendrick was an awesome opening performance.

2. JESSE WILLIAMS was the real MVP of the night with that beyond inspiring heartfelt acceptance speech.

3. BILAL….Boy, where you been???

Now as I am continuing on this journey of learning my personal taste and developing my style these are some of the looks or pieces from looks last night that caught my eye…

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photo courtesy of Twitter

I really like Karreuche Tran and I am happy to see her successfully creating an identity for herself outside of Chris Brown. Folks love to put you in a box and keep you there but she is certainly making a name for herself. Beautiful as always.

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Photo courtesy of Twitter

This red jacket JD got on is fly. I can easily see it being a unisex piece. What would you pair it with?

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Photo courtesy of Twitter

This bomber jacket Alicia Keys wore was dope to me. Clearly I have a thing for the color red and jackets.

Also let me just say I too was one of the many that started falling out of love with Alicia’s music for a while but with this “In Common” record and her perform last night Im falling back in like with her music. Sometimes people can be so hyper critical of artists and quick to criticize before even trying to appreciate the art.

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Photo courtesy of Google

Tori Kelly and these purple pants are quite adorable but i can’t help but to think not everyone would be able to pull this off.

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Photo Courtesy of Google
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Photo Courtesy of Google

“Nothing can stop me I’m all the way up!!!” Mrs. Reminisce, herself is always on point these days.

“She’s your Queen to Be….” Gabby is so NUBIAN.

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Photo courtesy of Twitter 

I have a whole new respect for Taraji. She has come a long way as an actress since the Baby Boy days… don’t misread this as shade…Im simply acknowledging her growth within the industry. This a bit of a popular look last night too. The sheer skirt, dress look is clearly trending.

Ms. Janelle Monae can do no wrong in my eyes. Even if she did recreate the assless chaps.

Flawless. Beautiful.

What were some of your favorite looks of the night? Do you think you would be bold enough to rock any of the above mentioned?

Mohna Lyssaa

 

Table for 1: Trust

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I do not trust your words.

I cannot trust your actions if they are not aligned with what you speak.

I am special.

The Powers that Be and my mama told me so.

My Daddy respects me.

So, you sir are not permitted to shake up my world without pure intentions.

I want what i want and i only compromise with the deserving.

I foolishly allowed another to partake in breaking my spirit once and i learned never to permit that again.

The Plus side…

I came back stronger than ever and he don’t even know it.

He refused to acknowledge my light.

You must acknowledge and respect my light as I know no other way than to work at making yours shine brighter.

Be Fair.

Be Kind.

Be Love.

Earn this trust.

And we shall be just fine.

Mohna Lyssaa.

Better Dead Than Ordinary…

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Up watching “States of Undress” a docu-series  on the VICELAND network as they explore the beauty culture of Venezuela.

A woman whose nose has collapsed as a result of injections of an illegal substance expressed,

“Better to be dead than ordinary..”

A proverb amongst the Venezuelan.

I’m thinking of this in other ways than just the beauty standard which is the focus of the documentary.

What is the fascination with being un-ordinary?

Who ever told you ordinary was a sin?

In my humblest opinion, everyone has ordinary characteristics about them the same way they have distinctive features which we often dub as a flaw.

No harm in aspiring to do more. Be more. Evolve.

Aspiring to be Distinctive is an ordinary act and 9 times out of 10 the distinction you are aiming for is based on a trend so by default you are ordinary.

There is no sin in being ordinary.

Now…

–In another context–

“Better dead than ordinary..”

Can also be read as Living versus surviving.

Are you getting the most potential out of your being during this time on earth?

Or are you simply accepting the mediocrity of life and settling in the fine lines of barely getting by and mundane routine?

Granted not everyone actually aspires to be  an entrepreneur or a creative force for that matter but ensure what ever path you choose its what you absolutely want out of this time on this earthly dwelling.

“We’re just ordinary people…”

And there is no sin in being ordinary.

Peace.

 

 

TeaBags

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Tea is Life.

Tea is my life.

and I’m not talking about the latest in gossip and whats none of anyones business.

Im talking that Pure Tea. Herbal Tea.

Life’s too short for bitter, flavorless food and drank.

I need flavor, spice, and an amazing aroma.

And not just a Lipton tea bag and a shit load of sugar.

What you will soon learn is that i turn everything…EVERYTHING into an experience.

What can i say, i try to appreciate the simple things.

Any who, how to properly enjoy your cup of tea …

  1. Get a mug that suites you. This is one of my current faves because its oversized and i love a generous serving of tea.

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2. Choose herbal tea that you are in the mood for. These are some of my current favs.

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3. Do not. I repeat do not be afraid to spice it up. Add a piece of fruit, maybe even a fresh mint sprig to your tea for added flavor. Raw Ginger root, lemon/orange slice are my favs.

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4. Sweeten to your liking with sweetener of your choosing. I prefer raw honey.

5. Allow your tea to steep for about 4 minutes for full flavor potential.

Once my tea is ready i take quiet moments to myself before getting my day started and again in the evening after my meal. Curl up with a good book, zone out to some music or simply sit in silence for a moment.

Follow these basic steps for a nice cup of flavor filled herbal tea and please do share how you prefer to enjoy your tea.

 

Love, Peace, & Robust TeaBags,

Mohna Lyssaa

What Are You Thankful For?

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when you wake up in the morning what is the first thing that you do?

when was the last time you stopped to appreciate where you are and what what you have in life?

Understand my life is no where near where i want it to be, but each day i take time to connect with ‘The Powers that Be’ to give thanks and seek guidance on my path.

Start your day with appreciation for the little things that you do have and then ask yourself what is at least one thing i can do today to turn my life in the direction i desire?

And if you still struggle with seeing the value in your life i encourage you to be a light to someone else and you’ll be surprised how it becomes rewarding not just to that person but to you as well.

Know that The universe speaks to you everyday. You just got to pay attention and be open to the message.

Life is only as hard as you make it.

Mohna L.

3 am: Mystique

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Caught in a an endless cycle she misplaced herself…

And she only hoped for the day that someone would come across her missing essence and return it to her.

At a loss of where even to begin searching and not even realizing that rebuilding was an option she continued on…

The Bills.

The Kids.

The House.

Groceries.

Laundry.

Work.

He who wanted no parts of this abandoned the responsibilities.

And it was then that she began to lose herself in the cycle…

Fighting to maintain…

she became less of a priority.

And no one there to remind her of her significance to the universe. No one to nurture delicate nature of her as a woman.

’Til One day…

“Come on Kids lets go  before we’re late.” she yelled down the hall. “Im going to the mailbox and everyone has 2 minutes to meet me out at the car.”

She stepped out the door and noticed 2 roses on the windshield of her car.

“What in the world,” she whispered to herself as she looked left then right  down the street in bewilderment.

With the roses was an envelope tucked under one of the wiper blades.

“Ooooohhh, whats that mom? Who is that from?” asked one of the kids.

“Get in the car.” she replied

After dropping them off at school, she headed back home to fall back into her cycle, on her day off, of maintaining the household duties.

She took a seat on the couch and opened the envelope…

“ You Are Beautiful” 

Not sure whether to be frightened by the mystery of it all she surprisingly found herself to be more flattered than anything.

Its been a while since she felt that way so the feeling was a bit warming.

The next day…

As she was planted fresh flowers in her yard…

“Hi there care for some assistance?”

Slightly startled she looked up to see an attractive man, “Hey, no i think i can manage. But thank you though.”

“Ok. Well do you mind if i keep you company while you work?”

Amused, flattered, and confused all at once she smiled, “Sure.”

“My name is Austin.”

“Stacie.”

“You’re Beautiful Stacie.” he expressed, “ and something tells me its been a while since you’ve heard those words.”

Stacie stopped what she was doing feeling a since of sadness in the truth of his revelation and warmth from the kind words…

“Thank You. Is it safe to say you are responsible for the note and roses?”

“Yes.”

Stacie walked over to him and stood about a foot away. “Are you stalking me?”

Austin let out a light laugh. “Not at all. Just an admirer that has taken notice of you. I live in the house across your back yard and i sit outside on my patio a lot and i just watch you tend to your yard. Tend to your kids. I watch you work hard, so focused that never once did see me in plain sight. I watched from afar enough to see that you could use some tenderness.”

Not sure what to say she stared at him searching for words…

what to say…

Im sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable, I just—-“

“ NO. No…your fine. Im just a little speechless, not really sure what to say.”

“Thats okay. I really just came to introduce myself and deliver the compliment. I do have to go but i will be back to see you again.”

Not sure what else to say, she replied, “Ok.”

Two days later….

Late into the night after the kids were long sleep, unable to sleep HE crossed her mind…

she threw on her robe and headed to the kitchen for a cup of tea and while she awaiting the kettle to whistle she walked to the patio door….

To glance across the yard…

At 3am…

*tea kettle whistled*

As she was preparing her tea…

There was a knock at the patio door.

She walked to the patio door and there HE was with a gorgeous smile on his face.

She embarrassingly smiled back and cracked the door…

“You were looking for me?”…

what was once lost has been found.

At 3am.

Mohna Lyssaa