Patron On Ice

feeling

I hate this place.

I don’t know how i seem to find my way back here…..but i do.

“You are okay. You are an adult. And part of being an adult is sucking it up. Putting your big girl draws on and taking care of your responsibilities and putting everything else on ice. ”

“You are strong. You MUST remain strong. You cant let people see you cry. You cannot show your vulnerability.”

“Life will not always be this way. You must see the light at the end of the tunnel. All of your hard work will pay off.”

“Keep pushing. Keep Pushing. You must keep pushing……”

——————————————————————————————————————————————–

I constantly feel like I am having an out of body experience and I am just watching myself go through the motions.

I feel absolutely neurotic. I’m not sure if its just in my DNA or if I am in love with making myself crazy. I feel stuck and I know the only reason I am here is because of me. And the only person that can fix this….is me. In order to fix my life dissatisfaction, I must first stop the pacifying and self-numbing talk and actually admit to myself what I am feeling and why. This is a brand spanking new year. I have officially crossed over from my twenties and cant start it off this way. I refuse.

Something has been sitting in the pit of me for sometime and the more I have ignored. Masked it. Numbed it. The larger it grew. “It will pass. This is just temporary. Things will get better just be patient.” There goes that self numbing again. This morning that mass grew so big I just couldn’t ignore it anymore. This morning I was on edge. I felt it coming….the meltdown. But God, I cant do this in front of the little one. She can’t see this. And I have to go to work. I don’t have time for this. I have dropped the little one off for school, I begin my journey to work. Its happening. I came up with an excuse and called in to work. I know she didn’t believe me when I said I was sick but  i honestly don’t even care. I mean, i honestly couldn’t call in to work and say, “I’m just not feeling it today. My sadness has set in and taken over and I cant function properly right now.”

I turned around and headed home and….i cried. I couldn’t hold it any longer. Where is this coming from?

I feel like my life is in absolute disarray and I don’t know where to begin. So i sit and i have a cup of coffee because that’s what adults do right? Right. I sit in silence and i decide while I try to make sense of my emotions I will start by cleaning my physical surroundings. Hopefully by the time I am done I will begin to understand why I am overcome with so much sadness today.  I wash the dishes. I sort all of the dirty clothes. I begin washing clothes. I wash the mirrors. I clean the living room. I clean the bedrooms. And now I sit. I think it is finally time to admit what is troubling me.

I am lonely.

Damn.

I love my parents. They are the most supportive people in my life. They protect me as much as they can. I love my circle of friends. I know they have my back through and through but….when I get home, its just me. And the love from the aforementioned does not. cannot replace the love that is desired by a mate.  Why is this so hard to admit?

Adults don’t speak of this. You don’t dare. You can’t admit that. Don’t you know lonely people are desperate. And that my friend is not attractive.

But this is not true. I don’t want to be in a relationship just for the sake of being in one. I rather take my time in building a relationship with the right person for me that can grow organically into love. I am not on a hunt for man. I don’t spend every free moment desiring a man. But I do acknowledge that missing space in my life. Now that my parents have officially relocated, I no longer have the distraction of what is lacking. So why not just start dating then?

My mental is holding me back. I told you I was neurotic.

issue #1: I have been single so long that I seriously get overwhelmed with the thought of opening myself up and making myself more inviting. I struggle with this. Badly.

issue #2: I fear rejection because of my insecurities. yeah I know. Lame right. But its true. I acknowledge that I am not physically comfortable. And I am working on it. But in the meantime, my dissatisfaction with my body is weighing on my mind so tough  that there is no way I can convince someone else that I am desirable when I don’t feel it myself. Now don’t get it twisted. I love myself. I think I have an amazing personality if i do say so myself, however my physical comfortability does matter to me and I’m just not there yet.

issue #3: Past experiences. Let me start by saying, I know every man is not the same. But my choices of  men in the past weren’t the best and the last two were really bad experiences for me. I would be lying if I said that I was unaffected and that it didn’t have an impact on my reluctance to try dating again.

issue #4: I fear being single the rest of my life if i don’t get it together.

issue#5: Aside from my weight issue and state of loneliness, I have dreams that I am fighting to make a reality and it is becoming very hard to continue walking into a job I don’t like just to keep the bills paid until something actually pops off with my entrepreneurial endeavors. I’m bored with it and I’m just ready to be done with it.

I share this because I think I have kept it to myself long enough and I want others to know its nothing wrong with admitting when something is off in your life. Some times in this adult life we just aren’t vulnerable enough. Even just with ourselves. I don’t feel good about my current state of being. But i do feel better after finally admitting what is troubling me. Now, I can begin to take the necessary steps in bringing balance to my life.

Peace, Love, and Happiness,

M O H NA || L Y S S A A

 

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